Housefly

Hi,

I really love this, especially the ending. It flows well and the rhyme is very effective and never forced.

I'd change;
"How was it able to carry you?
Your wings as fragile as glass."

to;
"How was it able to carry you,
Your wings as fragile as glass?"
as I think it flows more easily.


I'd also change;
"You feed from death and decay" to
"You feed on death and decay".

I love;
"I'm curious about its taste."

I'd change "Survival is your sole mission" as it's a little bland.

The break from the rhyme scheme in the last stanza is very effective as it mirrors the change in the life of the insect and makes the reader uneasy.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Okay, this really made me laugh. I particularly loved the last line. Awesomely hilarious. It really reminded me of some of the (very) short stories I had to read at camp where the end is something totally unexpected. I've always thought that those stories are cool, but I rarely come across poems like that, which makes it all the cooler that you wrote this. I really loved the poem, and you definitely get a star for it!

I've watched you silently,
Moving from one place to another.
Letting fate dictate your route, If it is fate it wouldn't be dictated, it would just happen
Every second of it makes me wonder, There should be a period here at the end of the line.

How was it able to carry you? Are you talking about fate? Or the wind? What is carrying it?
Your wings as fragile as glass.
Every flap creates echoes, Echoes? From glass wings? Maybe ripples in the air?
How did you manage to last?

You feed from death and decay,
I'm curious about its taste.
Survival is your sole mission
But are you ready for what you'll face?

Landing very close to me,
You stare back with your hundred eyes.
Do you finally see the truth
That your life was built of lies?

You put your two hands together
Seemingly like in a prayer.
I'll grant you your final wish,
Now go and meet your Maker.

Hi, I'm Grin

This was fantastic! I really enjoyed it. There's a great sense of humour running through this. I especially loved the ending.

My only real nitpick is if you're going to use punctuation, you should try and use a full stop at the end of the verse. Other than that, your style is a little rigid and I'm struggling to see it happen, but it's a lot of fun and with only a little work it will be brilliant.

Well done, I loved it.
Hope I helped
~Grin

The poem was really wonderful. I really like your thought process. Its impressive. I really liked

I'll grant you your final wish,
Now go and meet your Maker.

Hey theeeere,

Sorry I was so long in getting to this. I pretty much forgot.

This was good -- in poetry I find that it's not always a most enjoyable focus to place such heavy attention on a trivial object. A lot of people mistake poetry for this -- this abandoning of greater things and focusing on something small.

There's a good effort here, but I would have liked to see a stronger personification of the fly; you're blowing this thing up in size, Man, merely by talking about it and you can totally live this up.

Nonetheless, excellent rhythm and flow here, dear. Gotta love your flawless rhyme in this, too. Keep it up.

Best --

June

Great poem! My favorite line

You put your two hands together
seemingly like in a prayer.

How was it able to carry you?

You stare back with your hundred eyes.